Famine and Feast.

Life, or something like it:

2011-06-06T17:11:00.000-07:00

As of late:
I know I've been horrible with updating here. Why is that? Feeling disconnected from the world, from myself? Busy contemplating? Busy living? Probably a little of all of this. I want to write. I'm reading an autobiography called, Say Her Name. It is the story of a young woman who died only a few years into her marriage to writer Francisco Goldman. It is awfully sad, but the way he describes his late wife in her curiosity and meanderings reminded me of my old self, a self I miss a bit. So Im going to attempt to re connect to that. If you are still reading this that you may partake, if you are not, that is ok too.
Lets go down the list:
Home: home is great. Amy and I moved in together in February. We live in the home she owns. There's a fun backyard to plant in and a kidney bean shaped swimming pool to swim in. The house is a little old and a little rundown, but I love it so much. The kids have a week left of school and are doing good. Heather is 16, Andrew will be 11 in July. Here is an example of a recent conversation Andrew and I had on the way to school the other day, while listening to Bob Dylan:
Andrew: Rosie, who is this singing?
Me: It's Bob Dylan.
Andrew: Is he old?
Me: Yeah, in his 60's I think
Andrew: That's old, what instruments does he play?
Me: Guitar, Harmonica, and Piano. Maybe some other too.
Andrew: How many songs does he have?
Me: Hundreds.
Andrew: Whoa, that's a lot more that Hoopastank.
Me: Yep.
....Kids are fun. I'm enjoying getting to know them on an individual level and also get a HUGE kick out of comparing their reality to what mine was at their age. I love them. Amy and I are so good. I'm blessed with lots of love, laughs, and happiness with her.
Work: Is great and exhausting. We are so busy. Maybe recession babies? I don't know but there is never a dull moment around there. For the first year or so I worked there I was terrified I was going to make a huge mistake and kill a baby. Isn't that horrifying? It is such a huge responsibility. It is only the last year or so I can get through a shift without feeling like I may cry or throw up. All in all I made a wise choice. I LOVE LOVE my job.
School: I may go back for my masters pretty soon here. Probably in Women's Studies or English. I need to be learning or I get skittish and nervous about personal complacency.
More to come. I love you.

First things first:

2011-04-11T12:53:00.001-07:00

I got my haircut:

More Merton:

2011-01-13T10:59:00.001-08:00

"We make doors and windows for a room. But it is these empty spaces that make the room livable..."

Merton with a baby in my lap. I feel happy.

Hank Fest:2011

2011-01-13T10:52:00.001-08:00

-I'm in Pasadena with the Pools. Meeting the newest member. He is a real charmer.

30:

2010-12-10T17:13:00.001-08:00

She says I'm stunning.
I just feel stunned.
Stunned at the wirey grey hairs appearing in my bangs.
Stunned my hands are looking more and more like my moms.
Stunned at where life has me wandering.
I can feel this 30 year old self confidence reverberating in my bones, trying to make its way out.
Truth is I still get that anxious sweaty look in crowds.
Truth is I still blush with shyness daily.
This is the shadowlands of adulthood.

My birthday is looming. My 30 year old resolution is to write one thing everyday the entire year. I hope you are all well. My almost 30 year old self hurts inside at missing you everyday. Some things will never change, but most things do.

Lovely Mother to Be

2010-10-28T03:04:00.001-07:00

- Baby Mania

My phone: is amazing:

2010-09-29T02:32:00.001-07:00

- Friendy

Wave of Mutilation

2010-09-26T07:05:00.001-07:00

Amy and I went to see Pixies last night. It was mind blowing. I mean....I don't know what I mean, but Amy took this picture of me during Tame. I'm smiling ear to ear, my heart was smiling too. And I thought of Nadia a lot. Ok. Bye.

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We No Speak Americano

2010-09-16T09:38:00.001-07:00

The guiltiest of all guilty pleasures. I'm doing it right now.

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Too many airports this summer

2010-09-01T10:23:00.001-07:00

Me and Grams

More Merton

2010-08-31T18:56:00.001-07:00

"We do not exist for ourselves."
I just love him.

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2010-08-29T22:43:00.001-07:00

In Austin, TX.

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Location:S Maryland Pkwy,Las Vegas,United States

I like this one:

2010-08-09T06:57:00.000-07:00

"Be good, keep your feet dry, your eyes open, your heart at peace, and your soul in the joy of Christ" -Merton

Also,

2010-06-01T16:08:00.000-07:00

I finished my first short story. Why do we procrastinate even the things we enjoy? I am taking this class for fun and I still waited until the last minute to finish the story. Le sigh. Anyway, I am thinking of starting a new blog and linking it to this one to put my short stories. Not now, though, first I am going to take it to class and see if my teacher tears it to shreds, if he does I may chicken out on sharing it. Amy has agreed to do an illustration for each of my stories, I'd like to put together a little anthology of all of them and gift them to you all one day. Oops, I just told you a gift. Is that vapid and narcissistic to think you would want that as a gift? Maybe, but I'll still be able to sleep tonight. Ok.
ps. I'm pumped about Amber's bday and seeing you all. Ok.

She was hysterical:

2010-06-01T16:05:00.001-07:00

Trifles:

2010-05-28T02:42:00.000-07:00

A few things:
1. Amy surprised me with tickets to see Chelsea Handler this Saturday. I almost pissed my pants I was so excited. That would have been gross.
2. Drama at work, thank goodness I'm not involved. All I can say is I have a high pressure job.
3. I started my short story class this Tuesady. Wowee wow wow. I love it. I will start posting stories I love... And maybe garner the courage to share one of my own
4. I miss you guys.

Hi Anna!

2010-05-22T10:10:00.000-07:00

I got to see my fellow nursey friend Anna yesterday. Who apparently, flatteringly, stocks my blog. So hello my dear friend, it was good to see you.

High Violet:

2010-05-13T08:22:00.000-07:00

I am laying here, reluctant to exit the safety of the bed. I can hear Amy listening to the new National in the bathroom as she gets ready. It is lurring me out with it's lovliness

Amy:

2010-05-12T17:40:00.000-07:00

Flipping a painting book off because she didn't understand the technique they were trying to describe.

The Meat Book:

2010-05-12T17:21:00.000-07:00

I am coming awkwardly to this screen. It has been so long. But I'm going to dive right the hell in.
First of all, I am currently reading the book above. It is a memoir by Patti Smith. Interestingly, I was not a huge fan of her music, but I was drawn in by how well written this book is. It reads like poetry, and may be the final creative kick in the ass I needed to finally return as the prodical blogger. Even more interesting, (I think)I call it "the meat book" becasue it was in my purse on my way to work one day and I spilled pot roast all over it. So now it smells like meat. Oh well....or totally awesome (you decide).
Second of all, I am seeing someone. I am seeing a girl. Her name is Amy. I know the wind was knocked out of many of you as you read that sentence (as it was me when this whole thing unfoiled). I have told many of those closest to me and finally now, I just want to put it out there. I love and respect you all very much. The main reason I have been gone so long now is that I am not a good liar. It was easier to say nothing than cheapen the bond I have with you all by talking about everything BUT that. It has taken me quite some time to garner the courage to do this. I hope my news is well recieved enough that I don't lose any of those I love (that would be you). Please feel free to let me know your thoughts and ask your questions. I am going to post a picture of Amy in the next post, to give a face to the name.

Amber

2010-01-04T09:27:00.000-08:00

Is coming to see me. Soon I will write a post to really update you all. It feels daunting. I love you.

I want:

2009-11-07T13:47:00.001-08:00

to start writing again. ok

at the risk of sounding too hip:

2009-09-02T06:39:00.000-07:00

Hong Kong Garden sounds way better on vinyl.
love you.

I'm seeing them for the first time on June 19th...

2009-05-23T10:42:00.000-07:00

2009-05-12T23:40:00.000-07:00

I want to write about Kyle. I have taken care of Kyle for the last 4 months and today he left our hospital for a facility in Phoenix. The place he went to is basically a nursing home for babies. Kyle is brain dead, the only readable activity on his EEG strip is seizure activity. I met him his first week of life, he was transferred to us from an outlying hospital. Everyone looked at him, shook their heads in judgment towards his mother and said, "How sad. What a beautiful brain dead baby. How sad." He was without oxygen for 30 minutes during his delivery. Completely healthy during the entire pregnancy right up until those 30 minutes strangled his little brain of life. And his mother, his manic depressive, 43 year old, low income mother decided she wanted to keep him alive via machines. And everyone thought ugly thoughts about her and talked behind her back when she came to visit, and judged her for her STDs and for her short skirts. My heart broke watching this pack mentality. Our need to push down the lowest and the weakest of us. As I got to know her and I saw a very complex, wise woman who has made bad choice after bad choice and has lived every consequence of those choices. She did lie. She was manipulative. And her choice for Kyle was the wrong one...but beneath all of it we built a relationship and she asked me to primary her son, which means I took care of him when ever I worked.

From the moment I looked at him I knew he was mine. He evoked so many questions and thoughts in me. He made me think and feel more than most people who have brain activity ever do. We were a strange little pair Kyle and I. He did not move, other than the occasional agonal gasp or posturing of his arms. When he was having a bad night he would open his eyes, as if trying to say, "Leave me alone". When I worked his little joints too hard during his range of motion exercises little tears would stream down his cheeks. I would whisper, "I'm sorry" into his ear. He had a trach that was attached to a ventilator and a gastric tube where we fed him directly into his stomach. His whole body was stiff and I worked 1-2 hours a night at loosening him up or giving his little body a massage. He became the person I bonded with the most at my new job. Being a new nurse on a floor like mine can be isolating....and while Ive made a few friends and got very close to 1 person I work with, most of my time was spent in my little corner with Kyle. I became very comfortable handling him, even with all his equipment, and got to the point, pretty early on, where I could hold him without worrying I was going to kill him. I know most would say he was a little heart pumping blood in a carcass. But I felt a piece of his soul was still in that little cage of a body. Amy, who was Kyle's primary during day shift saw the same thing. He was still, "in there" somewhere.

Needless to say Kyle has tested every fiber of my being. I held him a cried my goodbyes to him the night before last. Crying quietly so no one around would hear the weird new girl crying on the little brain dead baby. I told him I would miss him. That I loved him, and mostly that I was soo sorry. I grieve for his life like most grieve over a death. I am so sorry for him. I spoke to his mom on the phone the night before he left and she told me on the days she would visit and hold Kyle she could sense he was waiting for someone. She told me she thinks he was waiting for me. I hope he knew my touch as a loving one. I hope he felt my presence as a calming one.

Nothing is simple. Knowing him has made me feel like we are alone down here. He has made me doubt. He broke my heart and made me feel like I don't understand anything. I've gone quiet in my life with all of these questions that are now swirling. I wanted to share this with all of you, because I love you and I know my quiet has put a strain on some of my relationships

I miss her:

2009-04-15T09:10:00.000-07:00

Where have I been?:

2009-03-08T15:57:00.000-07:00

Listening to Black Sabbath.
That's where.
I promise more to come soon.
Love you.

As Requested by Mrs. Pool:

2009-01-27T15:00:00.000-08:00

Pictures of the new apartment

The Foyer:

The Grotto:

The Master Dressing Chamber:

The Servant's Quaters (Pic 1):

Morti:

Entrance to the West Wing:

The Garden:

The Sitting Room:

The Servant's Quaters (Pic 2):

The Master Study:

The View from the Bed (I couldn't think of one):

(Un)mentionables:

2009-01-13T19:46:00.000-08:00

Jen, Paul and Frances came through town right after Christmas, my first house guests in my new apartment. They were a delight, to no ones surprise. They brought me a clever little espresso machine (Mordecai, Morti to his friends). Along with that they brought laughter and late night conversations about Man and God and everything in between.

I began nights at work. 7pm to 7am. It's a doozie, but the babies keep me coming back. They are wonderful. I look forward to telling my work tales, in person, to many of you in the next few months...Notably a upcoming trip to the L.A. and in the next few months one to the Arizona and the Portland.

I've been treadmilling it.
I've been spinach/goat cheese pizza-ing it.
I've been cowboy novel-ing it.

Maybe my favorite album of 2008, Evil Urges by My Morning Jacket...it's easy on the ears. And arguably one of the best rock album titles of all time (still, not as amazing as Appetite for Destruction). Also, LOVED the Bon Iver album.

That is all, for now.

APT:

2008-12-17T09:05:00.000-08:00

The new apartment (APT) is wonderful...and bare. But I kind of like it that way. Work is fabu. Expect an in depth update about my genetics lecture and my ethics lecture. I will comfortably weave phrases like "threshold of viability" and "not compatible with life"...it will blow your mind, as it did mine. Love you.

I'm moving today,

2008-12-11T07:04:00.000-08:00

Please wish me as few bruises and tears as possible. Thank You.

I LOVE:

2008-12-09T21:04:00.000-08:00

Cat Power doing cover songs:
The new ones are particularly lovely.

Updates, Version 2.2:

2008-12-05T13:34:00.000-08:00

I realize I've been a little poopy at updating this, so here are some fun facts:
1. I move into my very own 1 bedroom apartment on December 11th. The prospect of my own place is both exciting and makes me soo nervous my palms start to sweat. Anyhoo, the location is prime. There is a huge park and a community center right across the street, a yoga studio, and (drum roll please)...a non-Starbucks coffee shop,; which is nearly impossible to find in Vegas. Also worth mentioning: there is a Vons with an excellent organic section and a Mexican restaurant which I like. I know these things may sound silly, but these comforts are NOT on every street corner in Vegas, so I'm thrilled. And..it's a straight shot to work on the bus (because I will be sans car for about 2-3 more months). Whew.
2. I'm on the grand hunt for furniture now, and have made the commitment to find most of it used. So that'll be fun. I remember when Suzanne Amber and I found that beaut of a lime green couch for our Costa Mesa apartment. I'm hoping to recreate that magic.
3. Work is PERFECT. I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like my manager walking up to me and grabbing my ID tags, yelling, "Just Kidding!". Really I love it, is is exciting and at times so stressful. So far, some experiences worth mentioning are: I've taken care of a 2 lb baby (amazing) and a baby who had brain matter in the back of his throat (horrifying). It doesn't feel like work yet and I'm learning so much. I want to be a GREAT nurse, not a good one but a great one. The only way to get there is practice and sticking to proper technique.
4. My birthday is almost here...and I don't care. 28 feels too old. It's stupid.

That's all.

Books, Books, Books:

2008-11-20T10:26:00.000-08:00

I am on a book frenzy. I, just this morning ,finished Into the Wild. Just as everyone who read it before me it left me with feelings of unease, shame and passion. I find it curious that we (the collective we) are so pre-disposed to being affected by this story in almost identical ways. It confirms our kindred spirits.

Also, purchased: The Good Thief (the book club choice of the month), The Border Trilogy (recommended by Paul and Jennifer), and Inkheart (recommended by the best friend). Pretty much I blew a decent portion of my first paycheck on books, of which I am not regretting in the least.

I hope everyone is well. I am going to see my mom for Thanksgiving, looking forward to that. Miss you all.

Hold On.

2008-11-15T20:08:00.000-08:00

Every now and again I have a dream about my dad. It's very rare, maybe once every year or two. If I'm honest, sometimes, sometimes, I have this dream when I'm awake too. In the dream I had been laboring under the idea that he had died when I was young, and then, magically I find out he is alive and he wants me to be with him. In the dream I come to a body of water, I'm on a shore and he is on an island far off...and i see him there. He always looks as young as he did when he actually died. He beckons me smiling. I get so excited when I see him wanting me to come, I become overcome with joy. I rush towards the water. I MUST get to that other side where he is. I jump in right away. After a few strokes, I begin to panic: I didn't plan this very well. The water is sure to overcome me. I should have at least shed my jacket, which is now pulling me down. I'm not going to make it, I think. The thought of not being with him adds to my frenzy in the water and I begin to cry. I stop paddling my arms and I sit there, treading water looking towards him. And I know I can't get there.My heart breaks, like he died all over again. The dream always ends like that: Me, treading water looking at him. Him looking at me, smiling at me in a way that feels comforting and familiar. His eyes have this look that tells me he is sorry and that his heart is breaking too. But I can't get there. And then I wake up.

And when I wake up. I feel a thing that is least expected. I hope... for a moment I have this secret silly little thought, "Maybe it's true. Just maybe, he isn't really gone."

How funny our hearts are. We hold on, forever.

Please don't feel obligated to comment on this. I know it is a lot, and there's nothing to say. I just woke up from one of those dreams this afternoon, it got me thinkin'.

Beat Down:

2008-11-10T20:45:00.000-08:00

The babies kicked my ass today. I got pooped on, barfed on, and peed on. And I loved it.

Blah.

2008-11-05T22:44:00.000-08:00

So...nurses only work three days a week.

You are asking, "Is she actually complaining about having 4 days off a week?"

No..No, she isn't, but it is odd.

I went from a 7 day week while I was in school, to having 4 days off to do whatever the hell I want. And I've realized, I've become kind of boring. Almost like a vegetable. I lay like broccoli. (Where did that saying come from?) I digress, anyways I need a new goal, or something to throw my time in to. I have a few ideas, but in the mean time PLEASE tell me if there is a book, an album, a movie that will fill the hours happily. I've been pretty "All Nursing All the Time" for the last few years; surely I missed something note worthy?

I think:

2008-11-01T17:34:00.000-07:00

There are two kinds of women in the world: those that remember the first time they heard Patsy Cline and those that don't.

"Who are you?"

2008-10-30T21:37:00.000-07:00

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and one half of today I sat through a boring, litigious hospital orientation. I learned about policy and procedure, computer programs, statistics, and the "chain of command"...yuck. Then today, after lunch, I stepped off the elevator onto my floor, the NICU. I swiped my new "RN" name badge that gets me into all the doors that my student name badge did nothing for.

And I knew what was waiting for me on the other side: Overworked ICU nurses (who won't hold your hand or coddle you or remember your name), Doctors (who are often dismissive and rude), the complete chaos of all the monitors dinging away (a gentle reminder of impending doom), and...the babies. The babies are why I came.

I love the hospital. I love that when I stepped onto the unit and found the charge nurse who I was supposed to report to, she had no idea I was coming, or who I was, or what to do with me.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Rosie, I'm a student, I mean I'm not a student anymore, I'm a new grad....a new hire. I'm an RN." (awkward)
"Oh, you were our student nurse from a few months ago"
"Yes. I'm supposed to have Unit Orientation today"

She was in the middle of starting an IV on a baby. "Well", she says, "There are fire extinguishers by the doors, the valve to shut off the oxygen supply over is over in that corner and the code to the break room is 1734. Any questions?" (sarcastic).

"I guess that was my orientation", I think, as a shake my head.

She must have took a liking to me (despite the less than warm welcome) because she found me a really interesting case and a really great nurse to follow for a few hours until she could properly deal with me. My first patient, as a nurse, was a baby born with an omphalocele. PLEASE google it. AMAZING. I cant figure out how to link it, but basically it is a baby born with all it's abdominal organs (stomach, liver, and intestines)in a sac OUTSIDE of it's body. They were able to surgically repair the defect and now the baby has a long recovery ahead of him, but I could not have asked for a more amazing "first patient".

I know it's not going to be easy. I've got a lot to prove to people who are generally hard to impress. At this point I can't pick my own nose without a critical eye watching me, and you know what? I love it.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday:

2008-10-19T18:24:00.000-07:00

Today, I am purging my room, my heart, my music, my life, etc..it's been good and creepy. I am a bit of a paper-pack rat. I keep all of my school work, which may not be as much of a problem if I had more than a bedroom to store things....

Which brings me to this update: I will be moving into my very own one bedroom apartment somewhere around the 1st of December, that is if the world doesn't implode by then. Which is a possibility.

In light of the anticipated move I'm getting rid of a lot of shit. I've decided I want to become a minimalist. That last sentence is getting laughs from anyone that has seen my bookshelves, or my closet for that matter. My new motto is: if it doesn't serve a purpose or isn't extremely sentimental it goes. It's a big project, going from a pack rat to a minimalist, so I'm going to do it in stages. For example, today I did one drawer (and then got distracted by it's contents)...oh me.

In other news, I'm going to the poles tomorrow. Casting my early vote. I'm so excited. Did anyone see the Colin Powell interview on Meet the Press? I thought it was pretty amazing.

Been listening to a lot of The Band as of late, loves it.

So I start my job as a nurse on October 27th. I've spent the last few weeks doing my pre-employment paperwork, getting my physical and drug test, blood draws, skin tests...everything short of signing over my first born. And just like that I am officially a Neonatal ICU nurse. Every time I let my heart quiet, I feel tears of gratefulness welling up in my eyes. There are no words. I will get 12 weeks of specialized training both in Theory and Clinical practice. I will be taking Critical Care classes, which is a huge opportunity for a new grad. And I will work directly under a nurse for the first 2 months. Most of the patients on my floor will be babies with respiratory insufficiency, cardiac anomalies, and Pre-Term infants.

More updates to come, I'm going to go tackle another drawer.

2008-10-16T09:06:00.000-07:00

I passed. Glory Be.

The Big Day:

2008-10-14T06:33:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning read Thomas Merton, danced around to Cecilia, by Simon & Garfunkel, and made some French Press. A morning dripping with success. I'm off to take my test, please pray.
Love, Rosie

Back in the City:

2008-10-12T14:06:00.000-07:00

So I spent the last 4 days out in a little desert town called Mesquite with my friend Anna studying for our test. We holed ourselves up at her parents house and ignored pretty much everything except out bladders and our stomachs. It was good, and hopefully I'm ready for this bitch on Tuesday. When I got back to the city I was pleasantly surprised to find that fall had arrived, finally. Vegas is such a volatile place, one week it 100 degrees and the next it's actually snowing in some parts of the city. I had to dig around in the back of my dresser drawers to find socks this morning, it was thrilling. The cold has caused my study habits to take a nose dive, all I feel like doing is laying in bed watching Meg Ryan movies, and wearing socks. I think the Meg Ryan thing is in relation to the fact that most of her big hits (IE. romantic comedies) take place during the holidays. I argued a few weeks ago with this 20 year old hipster kid who said, "Garden State is the new Sleepless in Seattle".Blasphemy.I vigorously wagged my finger at him and shook my head and said, "No, Sleepless in Seattle is the new An Affair the Remember." But it got me thinking about what makes something a "classic" Now, I'm not a huge Meg Ryan fan or anything (I've got my street cred to uphold), and I did like Garden State, but I guess it's hard for me to imagine any artistic attempt our generation is responsible for having any timeless quality to it....I'm drawing a blank. I like quite a few independent films as of late, but are they going to be considered "classics" in a few years? Is there even a such thing anymore, or are we past that because of how quickly things change? I think Amelie is a classic and maybe Rushmore (maybe). I think Wilco and Radiohead may be timeless...again, though, I'm not sure.

Anyway, Nick and Laura, I saw that you called my phone a few time the last few days...my phone was in Vegas and I was in Mesquite= Bummer. I'm guessing you were in town= Even Bigger Bummer.

Hope everyone is well. I take my test in 2 days. Pray I don't go crazy. Love you, Rosie

This isn't working:

2008-10-04T19:51:00.000-07:00

I can't work full time, peddling overpriced clothes to overpriced women AND study for my test. I'm sooo wiped when I get home. I think I'm going to have to talk to my boss tomorrow. ugh.

Just a taste:

2008-09-28T20:10:00.001-07:00

of the madness:
One of my practice test questions;
"The nurse is caring for clients in the Emergency Department of an acute care facility. Four clients have been admitted in the last 20 minutes. Which of the admissions should the nurse see first?
1. A client complaining of chest pain that is unrelieved by nitroglycerine
2. A client with third degree burns to the face
3. A client with a fractured hip
4. A client vomiting blood. "

....I would find a gun...for myself.

Last night I went to dinner with a friend who passed her boards this last week. I asked her (to my demise) how many practice questions she did in preparation for the exam? She looked at my straight faced and said, "7,000." I do not joke my friends. I do not.

"I don't even own A gun" (for amber)

Yesterday's News:

2008-09-27T09:35:00.000-07:00

I wrote 3 pages in my journal yesterday about the economy. I'm a nerd. An aging nerd, at that. It's not really the economy that I wrote about, rather this notion of "having it all", American decadence, if you will. I also found these words by Merton, which he wrote in his journal in 1961. Either, that guy was ahead of his time or we haven't figured it out yet.
"I fear the ignorance and power of the United States. And the fact that it has quite suddenly become one of the most decadent societies on the face of the earth....The mixture of immaturity, size, apparent indulgence, and depravity, with occasional spasms of guilt, power, self-hate, pugnacity lapsing into wildness and then apathy, hyped up with wide-eyed inarticulate and wanting to be popular"

I love my country, and I winced at certain parts as I typed that out, because I want us to be better. I think we can be better. I'm just operating, as of late, under the notion that defiance and questioning the ruling class (and yes I specifically chose that term), is one of the greatest forms of patriotism there is. If we don't do this, we cant grow and change.

I take my test on October 14th.

2008-09-24T19:22:00.000-07:00

@$##^*RDRR(*&%@!~!EWERKTL!!!OW

Rallying it up:

2008-09-19T08:19:00.000-07:00

So, on Wednesday I went with my grandma and her VERY chatty friend Barb out to Cashman baseball field to see Senator Obama. It was a long day, being with those women, who literally did not stop talking for 6 hours straight....but well worth it.

We lined up around 1:30 and they opened the doors at 2:30. From the time we sat down till the senator took the stage, the Obama campaign swarmed the field to get the stage, lighting , and podium ready. What was funny is that no one in his campaign looked over the age of 40. In fact, the way these kids worked was not unlike the way we used to set up chapel at camp before a group came in. It felt good, and honest, watching them work hard with smiles on their faces. Obviously, they were a group of people who believed in their cause. While they worked, music played, I like to call it the "Obama Playlist". It ranged from The Supremes and Hank Williams to Foo Fighters and Tom Petty. Good Stuff. Obama did not speak until a little after 5. He spoke mostly on the economy and the dangerous deregulation of the market (it took place on the day the gov bailed out AIG). As far as Obama himself he was eloquent and easy with the crowd. He had a humble way about him. He was taller than I expected. Truth is, I've been watching him so much lately online and on TV that I felt like it wasn't the first time I'd seen him (ahh, the digital age).

I'm saving my favorite part for last (minus being that close to Obama). The Crowd. It was SUCH a diverse crowd. If all facets of America had to be represented that could have been accomplished with this crowd. There were families with strollers and snack packs, elderly people with walkers, young punks with mohawks, old salt and pepper gray hippies from my mom's generation, and us, the twenty/thirty somethings: all hipstered out, and all attached to our cell phones. The stadium smelt like soft pretzels and hot dogs, people were happy and laughing, getting to know the person seated next to them. Kids were playing tag on the field beyond the stage set up, it felt good and American. And as Obama came out everyone stood and cheered. In particular, I noticed the man working the concession stand, an old toothless black man wearing an Obama button on his grease stained apron came out from behind his stand down to the seats to cheer and smile. I just thought, "what a moment this must be for that guy".

Overall, I'm thrilled I went, not just for the chance to see Obama, but for the chance to see Americans.

I'm going to see him today:

2008-09-17T08:47:00.001-07:00

I'll let you know how it goes.

Lately:

2008-09-15T19:35:00.000-07:00

I have very little to update you all about, but here are a few tid bits: I spend my days working, studying, or dickin' around and feeling guilty that I am not studying. It's a nice little cycle.

Also with all this free time and limited finances and no car I've been thinking and writing and reading quite a bit. Sometimes to my own demise. I feel I used to be more free with my thoughts and in my writing, I'd like to think I can get that back, but we'll see. Maybe my time spent pursuing science and medicine has beat all the creativity out of me.
I know that is not true, I think science and art actually stem from the same place.

I'm reading Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles, and have become slightly obsessed with vampires. The community college offers a class that studies vampires through art and literature and film. Break me off a piece of that (wha? it just came out). I think I might take it and ballet next semester, that is if I'm still here, which is debatable.

In nursing news, it looks like I unofficially, officially have my dream job on the Neonatal ICU. I just have to pass my boards (AHH!). If all goes as planned (which it rarely does) I will start mid-October.

Merton said this to me today, " Fair day of recollections in the novitiate chapel, and I was happy in it and accepted its imperfections, and accepted everything. That is all that is needed. When you accept what you have, you see all that you have received is more than enough and you are overwhelmed. I desire other things because I fear to be content with what I have- I fear it is inglorious. In the last few days I have seen what matters is to be humble enough to admit that I am content with just this. Leave the rest to God."

2008-09-11T13:57:00.000-07:00

I'm loving me some Billy Joel right now, especially the song Vienna. Do It!

"The Struggle to Keep Awake on this Island of Lotus Eaters"

2008-09-06T21:53:00.000-07:00

It's still 102 degrees here. I'm not a fan.
I'm a bus/montarail commuter now.
I've decided to read all the Flannery O'Connor I can get my hands on
After that I intend to read War and Peace, finally.
Still: livin on a prayer.

Today:

2008-08-28T13:13:00.000-07:00

-I'm starting a new journal
-I'm listening to the new Dr. Dog
-I'm contemplating true freedom
-I'm watching ER
-I'm loving ER
-I'm beginning the daunting task of studying for me state boards
-I'm livin' on a prayer.

"Let not your heart be troubled"

2008-08-26T19:06:00.000-07:00

Oh my friends. I wish this could be a real post, the kind I can lay it all on the line, spill my guts. But some things must go unsaid, as they often do.

I graduated from nursing school. Such an accomplishment. Those of you who have been around over the years understand the weight of this completion. What it means to me. I know it belongs to each of you just as much as it belongs to me. I would not have done it without you. Elation does not cover it. Over the last few months, as I raced towards the finish line, everything else in my life kind of fell apart. I do not wish to go into all the details. The silence from my blog and in my journals over the last few months is one of exhaustion and overwhelmed.

And I'm left with this very special piece of paper (my diploma) and I look around at the wreckage and try to put it all together. It was the last rattle of society and the devil saying "A girl like you shouldn't reach so high" That might all sound dramatic. I am alive. I am loved. Probably, in a few months from now, all of it will be past me. But at this moment I feel everything so acutely

This despair has raised the age old question, the only one that matters, whispered quietly in my ear, "Who do you belong to?" I heard that this morning as I awoke. I "hear" it a lot lately. When things get difficult we crave someone to rest our head against. I have been alone (in a sense) here in the desert for some time. No shoulder to come home to. For the first time in my walk with Jesus Christ I am attempting to rest in Him. The way I would rest against a husband if I had one. I cry as I type that, it is still so difficult for me trust Him...with everything. To really lean, and admit that my hands are empty, and my heart has become hard, and that I need help finding the road again. Because if I don't have Him, I don't have me. My heart frets over every little thing, things I have no say in, no control over. He says, "My peace I give unto you" I am trying to claim that in my life.

Thank you for all the well wishes and love and prayers. Thank you to those that trekked through the desert to see me and share this with me, your presence was needed and wonderful. Derek, thank you for introducing me to A.A. Bondy: the perfect background for this transition.

Friends, pray that I will learn to trust. Not that the storm will calm, but that I will learn to lean.

The Post to End All Posts:

2008-08-25T16:42:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to write this post for days now.
I just don't know how to say it all.
I will try today, to sort all the words and spread them over the page.

wha?!?

2008-08-18T06:52:00.001-07:00

I'm graduating from college on Thursday.

Addicted:

2008-08-06T19:23:00.000-07:00

AHRDSRGDR#@@$#$GJFSDOD~!@!O#@($#$R!!

2008-08-05T19:07:00.001-07:00

School is going to kill me.
It was nice knowing you all.
Make sure I'm wearing underwear when you burry me.
Good Bye.

It helps:

2008-08-01T18:59:00.000-07:00

"We must make choices that enable us to fullfill the deepest capacities of our real selves"

"Your life is shaped by the end you live for. You are made in the image of what you desire."

-Thomas Merton.

From CNN:

2008-07-24T18:14:00.000-07:00

Dude Stuff:

2008-07-20T21:09:00.000-07:00

I'm watching Ocean's 11 and it occurred to me that from a very young age I've had an odd love for certain dude movies. It's like my secret shame. These movies aren't intellectual with hidden context that draws the mind to a higher place...no. They're shoot 'em up movies. And so... a list: Rosie's 11: My Top 11 Favorite Dude Movies:

1. The Lethal Weapons (except for the one with Rene Russo they took it too far, as they often do).
2. The Rockys (Especially the one with the Russian).
3. The Terminators (I cry when the crane thing takes Arnold down to be terminated)
4. Con Air
5. Cobra
6. Wyatt Earp (the one with Kevin Costner)
7. All of the Ocean movies
8. The Karate Kid (I'm not sure this counts, it's rather a coming of age story)
9. Man on Fire
10. The Fugitive!
11. Enemy at the Gates
And I didn't even do Will Smith movies.

*** it should be mentioned: I will watch nothing with Peirce Brosnan or Steven Seagal, as this would be crossing the line and I may have my "Girl Card" revoked.

the babies

2008-07-12T21:15:00.000-07:00

today, i had two patients, whos combined total weight was 6.2lbs.
and all day long those little squirts tag teamed it and kicked my ass.
it's 9:17pm and i'm going to bed, because i get up and do it all over again tomorrow.
viva.

Friends:

2008-07-10T21:20:00.000-07:00

I need prayer.
To stay in the moment.
To do my best with each day.
To accept Grace.
To do what is right and not what is easy.

I love you guys.

Revisiting an old friend:

2008-07-07T15:28:00.000-07:00

"All noble things are difficult."
-Chambers

52 more days...

2008-06-30T19:55:00.000-07:00

This Just In:

2008-06-28T21:30:00.001-07:00

I like the new Coldplay.

Yea, I said it.

For Tim:

2008-06-26T20:52:00.000-07:00

Some of my favorites, regarding Western pop culture:

"Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. Because it's only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential."

"We can't drive our SUVs and eat as much as we want and keep our homes on 72 degrees at all times... and then just expect that other countries are going to say OK. That's not leadership. That's not going to happen."

" We live in a culture that discourages empathy. A culture that too often tells us our principle goal in life is to be rich, thin, young, famous, safe, and entertained."

-Barack Obama

Stolen: From DV Heule

2008-06-23T16:31:00.000-07:00

Things that are good:
- The new cheap Chinese food place called "Healthy Chinese" across the street from the school
- The way my ends always meet, somehow, some way, by some miracle
- All of the lovely people who are making plans to come for my graduation
-June, the birth month of two very important figures in my life: Amber Pool and Jennifer Chapman.
- The "misfortune cookies" my amusingly pessimistic Community Nursing professor passes out each week in class. You learn about something devastating while enjoying a cookie.
- My friends I've made in school
- Swimming in the summer
-The Sex & the City movie
-My new love and over use of glittery puffy paint.
-Annie Dillard
-Obama Mania
-My brother taking some sweet ass Lomography pictures
-Taking care of little babies

2008-06-19T18:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, a doctor I worked with told me, "Rosie, there are things that are worse than death. Sometimes death isn't a bad deal."

And I agreed.

"This is Rosie, she brings the fun"

2008-06-09T22:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I worry it gets a little heavy round these parts (meaning around my blog, that is). I try to "bring the fun", and trust me I do have a lot of fun..tons actually. When I am an old lady, I will have lots of laugh lines and only a few frown lines, but lately, the last few months or so things have felt heavy.

I attribute it to my long hours and sleepless nights and the obvious strain being a nurse has on a person. But I am realizing it is more than that, I realize my world view and my reality are shifting because of the things I see in the hospital, the little stolen moments I have with my patients. Lately, I guess I feel broken hearted over the state of humanity. What a stupid and weighted sentence that was.

At the end of last semester my clinical instructor gave me a very sick, brain dead man to take care of. Usually we take two patients, but on this day I only had him. His wife was going to take him off life support the next day, so essentially I spent his last earthly day with this man. Each comatose patient is different, some have movement, some might have their eyes open, some may seem to be tracking you, it depends. His eyes were open and occasionally they seemed to follow me. His wife was not there that day, no doubt she was making arrangements. So it was just the two of us, all day. I went about my business, physical assessment, medications, linen change, bath..all the practicalities of care. At one point in the afternoon I hit a lull so I pulled a chair up next to the bed and sat down. Rachel Ray was on the TV, it had probably been on all day, I just hadn't noticed it in my hustle. She had spilled some salt and was throwing some over her shoulder, I looked out the widow down to the street and saw a homeless man sleeping at the bus stop, and then looked at my patient who had profuse drool coming out of his mouth and a frightful blank stair. And my heart broke. I quickly flicked the TV off and gave his big cold hand a strong squeeze. This man's last day on earth should not involve Rachel Ray throwing salt over her shoulder for "luck".

I've known for a long time that bad things happen and, conversely, good things happen too. That may seem like a very elementary sentence, but lately I am struck by how little respect we have for human life. And how easily our lives slip away. It may be foolish, but when I walk by an empty bed of a patient I took care of the week before, and I know they died my heart breaks a little each time. Not because they died, I know that is a natural part of life...but I guess it hurts my heart to think of them being forgotten and it makes me realize how invisible we all are, how small. I don't want to forget people. I want to remember squeezing that man's hand and the prayer I said wishing him off well to whatever is next for him.

Sadly, this may all stem from a place of being afraid that I will be forgotten, I'd like to hope it comes from a more eternal (and less selfish) place. For now, I am going to make it my calling to remember. To have the strength to look people straight in the eyes, and connect. I'm going to try to see beyond all those empty beds.

Copy & Paste:

2008-06-07T18:28:00.000-07:00

Every semester our professors ask us to, “Tell us something about your self”. We all find this silly, we spend so much time together we know more about each other than we’d probably like too, so I’ve got a response I cut and paste every semester to appease their request. It is always a variation of this:

My name is Rosie, I’m from the mountains
Likes: Stale PEEPS and an unmade bed
Dislikes: Slow lane changers and 99% of poetry.

I just had to paste that into yet another discussion board…so I thought I’d give it to you guys too.

Now do yours.

2008-06-03T10:08:00.000-07:00

I think I am officially out of my eyeliner phase. just a heads up.

2008-06-01T21:19:00.000-07:00

"and by habit they shortened their thoughts so that they would not wander out into the darkness beyond tomorrow."

Updates Version 2.1:

2008-05-30T16:00:00.000-07:00

Drum Roll Please...

I got my spot in the NICU.
I start June 11th.
You all need to do a little jig and a little drinky right now as you read this.
Thank You, Come again.

The Things I Love, Version 2.1

2008-05-26T14:59:00.000-07:00

Sunglasses
Podcasts: This American Life
Coffee Coffee Coffee
Iggy Pop, The Kinks, and Ryan Adams
Wearing my bangs pulled back
My new cactus I named Spike
The Ice Block (my local snow cone shack) opening for the summer season in 7 days
Writing letters and making mixed CDs
The newspaper
Critical Care Nursing
Public Health Nursing
Subtle mockery
Dark chocolate
The library

All Nuring All the Time:

2008-05-24T16:08:00.000-07:00

I'm getting a little redundant I know, but you spend 60-70 hours a week at something it kind of takes over.

Harvard just released a study that states our generation is projected to have a SHORTER life expectancy than our parents. That never happens. Not since the Plague, I think it said. The fact is: we are killing ourselves with our decadence and over indulgent society. We are on the bottom of the list of industrialized nations as over all health of the population is concerned. Countries like Romania beat us out. Why don't we take care of ourselves? Why don't we take care of each other? Why is a baby born in Croatia less likely to experience major health issue than in "the richest nation" in the world? Yesterday, in my public health class we watched a video that explains the Health-Wealth link in our country. No other factor (not genetics or even personal habits) has more of a direct and proven link on our quality of health and life expectancy than how much money we make. It is not like that in other countries, not to the degree it is here. The video links it to something called "social subordination" and how the poorest people in our country feel little to no power over their lives or their jobs or their well being. Powerlessness can kill a person, literally, it breaks our spirit, which then breaks our body; it is an actual nationally recoginized Nursing diagnosis. The video goes into Cortisol levels (which is our stress hormone) and lots of other scientific things, that I will surly butcher if I try to explain, but the point is this: When are we going to begin to think collectively? What is good for the whole, is good for the part. That might sounds socialistic, and I'm not attempting to argue socialism...but it's fucking true. Our demise is inevitable if we do not correct our path and begin to think collectively. Dr. Menzel, my public health professor, woke my ass up yesterday and I realized I am entering a profession in the most broken health care system in any westernized country in the world. It scared the piss out of me, to think even with my idealistic notions and noble intentions, it's still going to feel like I'm pouding on sand trying to take care of people in this country. I don't want to burn out or become cynical, I want to make a difference. AHHH!

In other news. it's raining here, which is great. And all week in dozens of ways you all have inspired me with letters and short stories and new blog entries and mixed cds and newspaper articles and conversations and art...and on and on. You guys' rule and make me think there's hope for us humans yet.

I loved this article:

2008-05-22T11:35:00.000-07:00

http://www.sabrinawardharrison.com/ee/img/SWH.DUMBO.FEATHER.article.pdf

ICU:

2008-05-21T16:11:00.000-07:00

I don't expect this will be nearly as exciting to anyone as it is to me...but I got to be part of a code today. I had been on the floor for all of 2 hours when a patient lost her pulse. I did about 8 cycles of chest compressions, while everyone else pushed drugs, did electric paddles and bagged her. We managed to stabilize her, though all her organs are failing, but we actually brought back her heart beat.

It was the single most exhilarating earthly experience I've ever had.

I did lots of other amazing things too. And now I have to go write about 10 hours of amazing paperwork, a small price to pay folks, a small price.

I know I JUST posted but my Grandma just said this to her friend on the phone:

2008-05-20T18:09:00.000-07:00

"Yeah, I can do lunch tomorrw, all I've got is Bible Study and German Gun Club. Just normal Wednesday stuff."

!!!

Barf.

2008-05-20T18:04:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is my first day working in ICU, and I'm really nervous. We're tallkin' barf-nervous. I will tell you how it goes (even if all I have to report on is that my instructor sent me home for barfing on my patient).

Excited:

2008-05-15T15:17:00.000-07:00

This semester is ruling hardcore.

Today my community health clinical group and I went to this Homeless Veterans event and did blood pressure screening and foot care exams and various other "nursing" things. Next week we will be working with African Refugees and then we spend the next 13 weeks at a boys and girls club. We each get to pick and execute a project with the kids. I've decided I'm going to do a workshop, Sabrina Ward Harrison style and have the kids create collage art.

Also, my Critical Care rotation starts next Wednesday, we toured the ICU floors we will be on for the next 3 weeks and I almost stroked out I got so excited. Its not like I wish for it or anything; but the idea of being able to run an actual code at one point this semester is badical. Also, something you could pray/think about is that I'm way on my game the next 3 weeks and don't let the jitters effect my performance. I have to "earn" my spot in NICU or PICU (higher level of acuity for babies and kids) for my preceptorship for the rest of the semester. It's like interning, you work ridiculously long hours for free, practically living at the hospital type stuff. It's the meat and potatoes, baby.

And, today I rode on the back of my first Harley. I am obsessed with that motorcycle. I go to school with the guy that owns it and he said he'd come get me once a week when we are working at the hospital from now on, getting in a car will never be the same for me.

Today it actually occurred to me for the first time that I'm going to be a nurse soon, I am soo happy.

I just bought this:

2008-05-10T10:51:00.000-07:00

It will probably sit on my dresser acting as a coaster for the next 4 months, but I have had 2 of my psych patients and my little brother recommend it to me now. I'm pretty into it.

Body Bags, Secret Fears, and Bruschetta:

2008-05-09T19:09:00.000-07:00

Today felt like rearranging deck furniture on the Titanic. A total joke, as days are concerned.
I left the house with a list of adult errands such as:
Getting my vaccinations updated for school
Buy my new books
Go by the financial aid office and rip someone a new one
Groceries
Mother's Day present and card
Post office to send present to mother.
Get gas.

Seemingly simple. I stumbled in the door 5 hours later with nothing to show for my time but 2 bags of groceries and a stupid coffee mug my mom may or may not like. But it doesn't matter really cause she wont even get it anytime close to Mother's Day seeing as how by the time I made it to the post office it was closed. Sweet.

I blame myself. I planned the day poorly. And then I got stuck behind the huge accident for like an hour and when I finally reached the intersection there was a body bag on the side of the road. I think. A startling moment of perspective for the sniveling girl (me).

I sit at home now, cooling off, eating bruschetta on crackers for dinner while shaking the day's failure off with a little music and typing.

How is everyone? I hope well. The day of waiting in lines and sitting in the hot car gave me time for some contemplation and consideration. I really want to get it all out...but I fear my head may be too cloudy, but I will make an attempt.

I wonder as we get older and we learn to silence our initial impulses and desires if we are actually moving further away from the purest form of life we are meant to live? The life He has for us? Maybe it is a naive notion that He has a "plan" for each of us...but I don't care. It is the one romantic notion of my faith I refuse to let go of. I have a big decision around the corner and when I envision it the exact way I want it to be, I talk myself out of it for one reason or another. Maybe we reason our way out of our dreams and our passions as a defense mechanism, because the sting of failing at these things would be as horrible as death in some cases. I'm not sure. I am almost embarrassed to admit one of the reasons I talk myself out of the things that I think He may have measured out for me (things like working in third world countries indefinitely or moving somewhere remote for the purpose of contemplation and simple living or continuing on in my education and becoming a nurse practitioner or a doctor (gasp!)). Here it is: I worry if I chose these routes I will be giving up the opportunity to be a wife and a mother. (a difficult secret fear to admit). I know any of these paths would take a tremendous amount of dedication, so...I guess the question is: can we have both?

Now, I think a great many of my dear readers have proven it is possible. Those of you that have married and started families and such have shown me you can live a deep purposeful life and "settle down"...(if you could even call it that, most of us are still a little more wild than that image allows). This fear is probably WAY preemptive, I know, but it's times like these (graduation looming around the corner) that you start wondering what you really want and if you have the courage to fling yourself into it.

Uneventful, to say the least.

2008-05-05T17:09:00.000-07:00

So my break has been pretty blah. Mostly because of a lack of funds and a need to work a lot in order to procure more funds. And so the cycle continues. What can you do?

Today it is overcast, and for that I am grateful. Also, I am having coffee and cupcakes with my Australian friend Rhianna tomorrow, this will also be a good time.

Here is my schedule for next semester:
Transitioning into Practice
Population-Focused Care in the Community
Managing Complex Care in Diverse Populations (ICU)
Important Patient Care via Management and Leadership

Whatever in the hell all that means. Just kidding, I know when I go to buy all my books I'll dork out and get all excited.

That's all I got.

Pretty Excited About This:

2008-04-29T17:35:00.000-07:00

Plans:

2008-04-24T22:21:00.000-07:00

In August I will finish school (Lord Jesus, please). And after that I will need some plans. I've got none. I'm going to try to use these next few weeks of break to "figure it out". Truth be told, things never work on the way we think they will, so it seems like a frivolous exploit. But I'm all about those.

Also, I think I've chosen a specialty, but I don't even want to type it. Once I put it out there it becomes exposed to the elements of reality. I'd rather keep watering it in my head and see what sprouts.

&%$#^&)(__&%!

2008-04-22T17:49:00.001-07:00

I officially made it to my fourth and final semester of nursing school.

I've been wearing a silly little grin all day.

Let the good times roll.

When I'm missing days gone by and all you fine folks

2008-04-21T13:21:00.000-07:00

I listen to song 9 off the record with the heart on the front by American Analog Set....
And lets just say it's been on repeat these last couple of weeks.
And I'm sick a little snot is making its way out of my nose.
And I hate finals.
And I think nursing school is like an extreme form of hazing but it goes on for 16 months
And I want to know why even though I'm taking a product claims to relieve "cold symptoms" I still sound like Kermit the Frog from all this post nasal drip.
And that's all.

Finals Hibernation is upon us:

2008-04-13T17:56:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna have break up with you guys for the next 2 weeks.
I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me.

My Saturday Mornings:

2008-04-12T09:48:00.000-07:00

And this:

And now I am off to the library for a marathon study session.

Things on my mind:

2008-04-07T18:09:00.001-07:00

Pace-maker implants: I got to watch a nice man named Bernard get a pace maker placed on Friday. AMAZING. I really shouldn't refer to him by name, it violates privacy issues...but what the hell... I live on the edge. Anyway, after they implanted the device they sent Bernard's heart into Ventricular Fibrillation Which is a fancy way of saying: BAD NEWS. It is a very rare heart rhythm that you usually only see right before someone dies.

They do this to ensure the device will kick in and do it's job and stabilize the rhythm. It did, whew...for Bernard's sake. The Cardiologist let me keep the strip showing the V.Fib. And I framed it and am looking at it right now. It is one of my prized possessions. Just think, your heart has it's own little electric current. I'm obsessed with the human body.

Money: I need to come up with money for school for next semester. To make a long story much shorter: I ran out of money and now I need more. Today, I'm feeling an overall humor about things, in a self-deprecating/"I give up" sort of way...but catch me on a bad day and I'll cry big worrisome tears about this issue. So to recap the money topic: I need some (like 7,000) in the next 4 weeks or so to finish my last semester of nursing school. So if you all could pray that this happens somehow I'd be grateful.

Hemingway: I'm almost done with our book of the month and without actually talking about the book let me make this bold assertion: I feel Hemingway should have stuck with his short stories. Ridiculous! You may be thinking, maybe so...but I will say this 200 pgs. later I STILL don't feel any connection, hostility, admiration, disdain or empathy for ANY of the characters. Maybe this fact speaks more to my inability to fully appreciate a writer like Hemingway, who wrote from this "bottom of the bottle" place. But, folks, I've been at the bottom of my share of bottles and I still want that connection with the person on the bar stool next to me...and Hemingway has given me zero connection. But I'm holding out, I may still end up loving it, who knows.
Hot Babes: I have lived here in the ol' Vegas for about 2-3 years now...who the hell knows? It feels like a life time. And on occasion I will still have that almost out-of-body experiences where I realize how absurd it is here. Like, if Vegas were a person it would be a very unconvincing drag queen. And I would say I see one or two of those on a weekly basis...so I know. I guess though it is human nature for us to adapt to anything and almost begin to feel a sense of normalcy about things that would have one day appalled us. Am I lowering my standards of decency?...maybe but whatev. All this to say in those moments when I am still struck by the draggy-ness of it all I feel a sigh of relief in knowing, I at least still have some autonomy. I had one of these moments today. I was driving with my fellow nursing student Anna, we were down by the school and we pulled up by one of the infamous "Hot Babes" First a background on Anna, she is from a small town called Mesquite in the middle of nowhere in the desert and has a similar "small town feel" to her as I do. Now, some background on the "Hot Babes". Hot Babes is a moving, flashing billboard attached to a flat bed truck that makes its rounds throughout the city. There must be hundreds of them though because, with no exaggeration, not a day goes by that I don't see at least one "Hot Babe". The billboards feature various underage-looking half naked (usually blond) girls in compromising positions. And that's the edited version. I think it's an advertisement for a Bunny Ranch or a call girl service. Now when I first moved here I found these trucks perverse and sad, but now I kind of don't care anymore. Maybe it's just that I don't notice as much. But today I pulled up next to one glanced at it and looked at Anna, as she had been looking at it too and I said, "Oh, those Hot Babes.." And for some reason we both began laughing hysterically. How stupid and amazing it is that we live here.

Stuff:

2008-03-31T15:14:00.000-07:00

I'm lazin about and thought I should write some.
I had a highly efficient week last week and so I find myself with a few hours of glorious unscheduled Afternoon. A rarity.
The light is coming in the windows of my room at a perfect slant. I love the light.
So...what shall I tell you about?
Last night I hosted trivia at my local bar.
I had to host because the dynamic duo, "Team Carne Asada French Fries" (which consisted of Nate and I) won last week. So the winner must take the torch. It was fun and I realized what a strange brew I have at that bar. Most of them are in their mid to late twenties, under achievers, but sinfully smart and overly educated....most of them alcoholics...but still they've become an odd sense of comfort here in stupid Vegas They're good people. Think Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites.

2 weeks ago I got to watch a "non-invasive brain surgery".Talk about an oxymoron. The procedure is called a Cerebral Coiling. The surgeon takes a long catheter (basically a long thin straw) and threads it from a small incision in the groin all the way to the center of the brain. Right to the center of this lady's brain. She had an aneurysm, which is essentially a pool of blood where there shouldn't be. This is a problem because if the clot begins to travel it could kill you. Interestingly though, the surgeon explained to me that we couldn't evacuate the clot either or she would've hemorrhaged because of it's size and position in the brain. So instead, they inserted 4 little platinum coils into this woman's brain. This would cause it to clot off around the coils completely creating a non-movable ball of metal and dried blood and then they block any new blood supply from getting to the aneurysm. I find this soo interesting because it is a cure found in a sickness. A purposeful clot. A functioning imperfection. Slightly poetic.

As amazing as being part of the whole procedure was, possibly the most stunning part of the whole thing was the conversation I had with the patient, as I inserted her Foley catheter (for pee) right before the anesthesiologist put her under. I was trying to calm her down by sitting with her as the team finished prepping. She was rambling, as nervous people often do. All of the sudden I hear her in the middle of a huge rationalization as to why she hasn't quit smoking. Smoking, in her case, could have killed her instantly (and is probably the very reason she formed the aneurysm in the first place).
"I don't think the doctors know how hard it is to quit.", she says, in an angry and entitled voice.
"But you're having BRAIN surgery, Ma'am.", I say dumbfoundedly. (I'll admit, not my most compassionate moment), but I made the surgeon laugh.
Ahhh....the power of human denial.
And yet...once every few months I find myself with a bummed cigarette in hand...ahhh the power of Rosie Denial.

Also, a used bookstore just opened right by my Trader Joes. It's called "The Amber Unicorn" A little slice of heaven, folks.

The Week in Review:

2008-03-22T22:03:00.000-07:00

So...that whole writing over spring break thing didn't happen.
A Recap:
I drank 2 beers. 1. Miller High Life 2. Bud Light. (The former kicked the latter's ass)
I read 1/2 of Farewell to Arms. (I'm trying to love Hemingway, but he's working my last nerve.)
I finished The Heart is a Lonely Hunter (Decent).
I took 3 naps
I watched 2 movies 1. Dan in Real Life 2. Penelope (Both were worthy Spring Break material)
I made brownies, not the special kind
I argued 2 times with Nate about music, politics, and the not-so finer points of Keanu Reeves.
I visited one national park and hiked: Zion. (Twas amazing. )
I did laundry.
I cleaned my room.
I made a word find puzzle for my presentation I will be giving on Opiates next week.
I bought and enjoyed the following music: She&Him.
I listened to a fair amount of Nirvana, it just kept crossing my path, and I didn't mind one bit.
I painted my nails red.

End. List.

SPRING BREAK! WHOOO!

2008-03-13T14:18:00.000-07:00

So I just got home from my last clinical of the week. It happened to be a death and dying lecture. Sweet........ And now officially begins my spring break! That was a warning cry to my liver, get ready ol' boy, it's about to get a little crazy around here. j/k but not really. Really, I'll probably clean my room, wash my car, drink some beer, do some laundry, eat some sushi, read some Hemingway, see some movies, catch some sun, and take some naps. i'll write about it as the week progresses. Why do I think of my liver as a boy? weird, but I do.

off with your head:

2008-03-01T16:49:00.000-08:00

a lovely Saturday, i went and saw The Other Boleyn Girl, it was excellent. My Saturday lesson: it is better to be good and honest and simple, rather than ambitious. Ambition gets your head chopped off. However, I would take it a step further and say the most ambitious thing one could do is attempt good, honest and simple.

And now I'm going to write a few letters.

And the wind smells like pancake syrup today. delightful.

"the only true ism is communism...."

2008-02-20T13:52:00.000-08:00

On Wednesdays, after my psych rotation i drive home and get straight into my bed. i just realized today this is my Wednesday afternoon ritual...straight from the mental hospital into bed. i think its because my bed is where I process stuff.
Wednesday mornings; always the same too. I lay here, slowly coaxing myself out of bed. Small goals: just get to the shower; just get to the kitchen, and so on. I realize, right now, as I type this I secretly have been loathing my Wednesday psych rotation. But really that usually ends as soon as I get there and begin mingling with the patients, and then I slowly realize the only difference between myself and many of them is I have the keys to leave at the end of the day.
Today, as I spent time with my patient, I watched that dance one does on the border between genius and psychotic. He's bipolar, and is in the middle of a manic episode. Young, well educated, extremely articulate, creative, and at times even profound. He carries one of those composition notebooks, like John Nash, and wears wing-tipped shoes. Not all the patients get to wear shoes so this sets him apart. Today he said many things to me, I said very little to him, as it goes with manic patients. But he said this, "It is the pursuit of a deeper truth that leads a man to insanity." Can I argue with that? No, I can't. Instead I asked if he wanted some lemonade and reminded him to breath. (I had to remind him of this a lot, throughout the day). I left the day with a list of books he wants me to read as well as the name of a philosopher. And he told me I'd make a good nurse because I "kept him breathing".
Maybe Wednesdays are difficult because, at times I see myself in some of those patients. And that’s scary, because society has deemed them unfit. At times we all do that dance on the border I guess.

rarrr!

2008-02-18T09:10:00.000-08:00

sad

2008-02-08T18:59:00.000-08:00

Matt and Amber just left, and while I am not happy with the horrible event that brought them here, it was amazing to see their faces. And now, i'm coming down off the Matt and Amber high and I'm sad. Seeing them made me realize, yet again, how much i hate Vegas and how much I'm looking forward to finishing school so i can go be a grown up with everyone else. Also, Matt made me a metal mix, which I can't wait to unleash into my eardrums. And now, I am considering going to the bar with Nate to drown my sorrows away.

Scoffers beware!

2008-02-01T18:00:00.000-08:00

Today I made the most delicious flash cards you've ever seen for my impending Med-Surg test on Tuesday. My flashcards are a thing of legend, a true art. As I sit and look down at my pen and highlighter stained hands I feel immense satisfaction. I keep all my flashcards because who knows when you are going to need a detailed account on the stages of labor or the chemical components of Penicillin?

And they scoff, my fellow nursing students, when they see me pouring over my cards...and yet the morning before a test, when we are all sitting in the lobby of the nursing building, overcaffinated and sleep deprived doing one last cram session...they look to the cards for answers. Panicked they say, "Rosie, what does your card say? I can’t remember the contraindications for Lactated Ringers!" And the cards know, they always do.

You see readers; I make believers out of scoffers.My fellow nursing students are for the most part more linear thinkers, as are many who excel in the Sciences. They stare at a computer screen as they study. They look at boring lectures notes. Not I, my right brained tendencies crave interaction, colors, pictures, cross-references, details! And so I look to the cards.

And on the cover of each card notebook (I spring for the fancy ones that are bound together) I write, "If found please call Rosie (Insert telephone number). Reward! And I mean it."

So, tonight I feel I've earned the beer waiting for me at my bar.
And I'm listening to Sam Cooke
Ok, Goodnight.

Updates:

2008-01-21T10:38:00.000-08:00

Schoolin': I began my 3rd semester. The curriculum consists of Nursing Research, Medical Surgical Nursing, and Psychiatric Nursing. They say this is the semester that "makes a nurse out of you". "They" have been known to be wrong, but they may have hit the nail on the head with this one. My patients this semester are very sick. And "more sick" equals a higher level of thinking for me. Most of the patients on my floor are not getting better, they're getting worse, their bodies are breaking down. I just pray I can keep up. My psych rotation begins next week, I'm pretty excited and nervous. I'm sure there will be more stories to come.

Caucusin': So...I attended my first political event on Saturday. I went to the Nevada Caucus...the Democratic one that is. Yes, it is official I changed my party affiliation, and I did so with mixed emotion. So on Saturday I raised my hand for Obama. Although, I'm glad I went I see how flawed our system is. Only 150 people came out for my precinct. Though the numbers were far more than projected I will say this, I was still disappointed. I was talking to some Australian friends afterward, and they told me in Australia the vote is mandatory. You can be fined for not, at least, showing up. If you do not wish to vote for any of the candidates you cast a "donkey" ballot. Which means you leave it blank or draw a picture.. But either way, you have to show up. Now I know in our "great" democratic nation you cannot force people to participate, but I do think maybe then we would have a more accurate picture of our nation. Anyway, I caucused, because I do believe in Barack. Not in everything he stands for, but most of it. Hilliary still won the state. The point is I'm trying to turn off that generational voice ( that strangely sounds like Curt Cobain...ohh my Teen Spirit days), which constantly says things to the affect of: "It doesn't matter, We can't really make a change, They're all the same..blah blah." I'm putting that voice to rest.

Potterin': So I finished the 7th, and final Harry Potter novel, and I'm ruined. Truly. It felt like grief. I fumbled from book to book that first few weeks, trying to decide what to read next, because nothing felt right. I even considered writing to Rowling, angrily blaming her for ruining literature for me. Alas, I've settled into a book that I am enjoying, called, The Man who Mistook his Wife for a Hat, by Oliver Sacks. It is a book of short stories and his experiences as a psychiatrist. Very interesting...but it's no Harry.

That's about it. I need to decide where I'm going to move when I graduate. Here is the Top 6"
1. Boston
2. Anchorage
3. L.A. (not directly in the city, but somewhere around those parts)
4. Portland
5. Austen
6. Flagstaff.

I have no idea what to do.